Paws for a Moment
In August 1993 I was unable to attend Sri Chinmoy's birthday celebrations in New York as I was a student then and money was scarce. (In fact, money has always been scarce but I'm trying not to have an issue with that!)
Anyway I was meditating in front of my shrine at home being a little upset and longing to be in New York when all of a sudden the whole scene dissolved away and I was in the middle of a grassy savannah. I could see far across the plain – looking from just over the top of the grass – there were trees and very slight undulations of landscape. It was so vivid that I was really quite freaked out as to what was happening. The experience was not an instantaneous flash but happened for a few minutes. I became aware that I was not alone – and a lion came into view. I froze but it seemed to ignore me. Then a few more came but they accepted my presence. There was a cub as well. I looked down and had an enormous shock when I saw two gigantic paws immediately beneath me. I was trying to work out whether I was being or had been eaten by a lion when the realisation hit that I was the lion and that the paws were mine! As soon as that happened the scene disappeared and I was back in my room – flushing hot and cold at the power of the experience.
I wondered if I had been a lion but then immediately scoffed at it – but something inside me said firmly that I was wrong. Then later the same day I had the same experience!! That knocked me. The following morning I had the experience again also – then I stopped denying it – said, "so I must have been a lion before," and something inside me said, "yes!"
Memory of the experience has given me confidence and the courage to open an enterprise and to do all sorts of things that I maybe would not have done otherwise.
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A Soulful Encounter
When the 1993/1994 Christmas Trip arrived in Fiji from Samoa we stayed in the Raffles Gateway Hotel, Nandi, before moving on to Suva.
One day, about mid-morning, Sri Chinmoy was relaxing in the breakfast area and disciples were lingering about meditating and relaxing. I was leaning against a pillar, a little way away, meditating and feeling peaceful. After a while Sri Chinmoy got up and left and the disciples dispersed. I stood up straight and that is as far as I got because from around the corner came a most glorious vision that transfixed me to the spot.
The vision was so intense I could not even breathe – I saw an exquisite, extremely beautiful young girl of about 17 years old, very pale and unearthly, with the most flawless and perfect complexion and features of anyone I had ever seen. She had a halo/aura of the purest white all around her and she herself was all white – dressed in white and with incredibly white skin – and with a sternness, purity and sweetness of expression that I have also never seen before. She was very slim and fine and my whole concentration was drawn to her and her luminosity filled my entire vision. She was magnificent (I cannot even describe it because the English language is too limited), grand, majestic and I knew I was looking at Absolute Purity. Her intensity was so strong that I thought I would explode – her being took up my entire focus – it was impossible to look elsewhere. I was getting so desperate for air at this point that I was starting to black out – but still I couldn't take a breath – and I tried hard!
She looked vaguely familiar but I knew I had never seen such a perfect, serene and beautiful creature before. As she was going past me, her luminosity sort of dissolved and her physical came into view – and it was Hiranmoyi! – one of Sri Chinmoy's students from Canada. In the few seconds (which seemed like a lifetime!) that she had taken to go past me I had been rooted and unable to breathe, but when she passed by I was released from a sort of spell or mesmerisation and could breathe again. I felt weak, humbled, amazed and inspired, and had to stay leaning against the pole for about ten minutes to recover somewhat. I saw the world with new, fresh eyes for a few days afterwards. In that time, whenever I saw Hiranmoyi, I could see a special radiance and sparkle about her which told me that this girl – this perfect being – was actually present and I was awed.
It took me five years to reveal to Hiranmoyi this very personal revelation that I had had with regard to her, and she gave me a special sari to commemorate it. Whenever I see or wear the sari it reminds me of the experience, which is still so powerful and vivid that I can recall distinct details about it as if it had happened yesterday.
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A Golden Being
As I entered the old Sri Chinmoy Centre in Auckland one day I felt a presence or intensity there as soon as I walked in (maybe I was having a particularly receptive day – I don’t know).
There was a continuation class starting and in the initial meditation I noticed that the photograph that we use for meditation of our spiritual master, Sri Chinmoy, had a more than usually vivid golden colour about it. This colour grew more and more visible with the progress of the meditation and was not of a regular shape. With surprise I perceived the outline of an ear – and when I realised that I was looking at the photograph through the head of a subtle being in front of it, I discerned the golden silhouette of a being that looked like Sri Chinmoy, in front of the shrine, sitting cross-legged and perfectly still. By this time the being was so vividly apparent that I could see him with my physical eyes, without meditating or anything. For about 20 minutes following the meditation I could see him – very still – and Jogyata even came quite close to him whilst he was talking to the class! But nothing disturbed the being.
I told Subarata about it afterwards and she said that it was probably an emanation of Sri Chinmoy's – something not uncommon for spiritual masters – and that she had never seen him herself, but that one of the other students had. I have had the honour of seeing the emanation one more time since then, in the same place.
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Stories about Subarata
I loved being friends with Subarata...
She always thought about what would please Sri Chinmoy, her Guru, and if ever there was a decision to be made, she would stop and consult her heart or have a tiny meditation about it. In her presence you could feel her spiritual intensity.
... on a pizza break in Singapore ...
Subarata Was Always Such Fun!
It was such a joy whenever Subarata came over to The Blue Bird – our vegetarian café in Auckland, I would set up her work area – just so – with her exclusive knife, chopping board and a brand-new cloth, and woe betide anyone who would inadvertently touch them! She was hilariously funny. On Thursday evenings she and Jogyata would come and pre-prepare for the special international meal for the following night (she was the Internationale Guest Chef Extraordinaire on Friday nights!) and she would get me to play my piano accordion in the kitchen while she worked there and bossed Jogyata around.
It was fun being Subarata's neighbour as well – the Centre where they lived used to be across the road from The Blue Bird. If Gael and I ever sat down for a coffee or tea the phone would ring – and it would be Subarata. She would be shaking her fists at us out of the window – whilst on the phone – saying, "IT'S AN ELITE CLUB IS IT??" We would then immediately invite her over and sometimes she would deign to come over and sometimes she wouldn't! Whatever happened was always very funny.
Life was cool with different and exciting things happening all of the time. Sometimes she would come over and whisk me gleefully off to another café for 'competition research' These would be little cute places that she had found, for she was always on a quest for the perfect cup of tea. She would also come over occasionally and say, “I'm replacing you now so you can go for a run.” And I would have to go, then and there! In the weekends we would go to a beach or something for a run and/or swim. Once she spotted pigs in a paddock on the side of the road and said, “Oh, Stop! Stop!” She stood by the fence going, "Cooee, Cooee," and two little piggies looked up and hurtled across the paddock oinking hysterically, to be patted and scratched by Subarata. She loved pigs and used to have some as pets when they were in the bush. (See Jogyata's Puppy Power Revisited.)
Subarata would always try to start off ‘sedate’ and ‘proper’ on these trips but it usually did not work out. For instance, once we were walking down the dune path to the beach and Jogyata flicked some sand at us. The next moment he was tearing down the path, chortling, with an enraged Subarata close on his heels, out to get him! Once, even, in the Centre classroom a lady had come to buy a tape and Subarata was talking to her, and then went out the back to look for one. The next moment there was there was a terrified shriek! Jogyata had jumped out at her and given her a fright! I tried to look unconcerned and normal as I continued chatting with the surprised lady.
"Nobody knows what I have to put up with!" was something that Subarata used to say on occasion. One time she said this, she had just walked into their place and there was a bottle of milk on the ironing board. She was a little surprised so she took it to the fridge. Then when she opened the fridge she found the iron in it! (On another occasion she actually caught Jogyata opening the fridge with the iron in his hand, so there was no doubt who the culprit was!)
Disclaimer
There is a famous anecdote in Auckland Centre that goes something like this:
Jogyata and Subarata have been for a long run and go to give a meditation class later that same day, whereupon they fall asleep in the first exercise! Both are awoken by the sound on one of them snoring – but which one?!!
This has been the subject of much discussion and conjecture for years and over time the debate has swayed this way and that in favour of one or the other. I have been to many, many classes in my time and it seemed that whoever managed to get to tell the story first would accuse the other one of snoring! Usually Subarata got in first and claimed Jogyata to have snored – but in rare circumstances Jogyata would get crafty and whip out the story first and accuse Subarata. Both vehemently denied actually being the snorer.
It seems now that Jogyata has had the last laugh by publishing his version of the story in his book 'In The Boat', confident of not being challenged. However I should like to offer the small disclaimer that if Subarata had written the book, the snore would have been on the other foot.
The Scam
You never knew what Subarata was thinking... One day she received in the mail a glossy, professional brochure from a mail-order firm, advertising home appliances and accessories like stereos, microwaves, dryers, etc. There was a special sale price on a nice-looking 'ghetto-blaster' stereo for only $45!! So she phoned the firm to ask if it was a typing error on the brochure and they said, "No!" But she had to pay within three weeks, which was until the sale lasted. So she sent in her payment and waited three weeks for delivery.
When it arrived, it was a two-inch high plastic toy!! Exactly as was advertised in the brochure and life-sized!! So she phoned the firm... and found that they no longer existed!! She had (along with a lot of other people who had been customers of the firm) been thoroughly taken in – and do you know what she did? She laughed and laughed and laughed... and laughed again! Until she cried. And then she told everyone and laughed even harder!
When she was finally exhausted from laughing she said it was a really clever scam and she wished she had thought of it.
The Supermarket
... Subarata and Toshala - fancy dress in Fiji ...
Subarata left us on the 16th of March, 2000 - I still remember the events on the day of her passing very clearly. Painfully clearly. The most amazing thing about that day is that, along with the pain there came an extremely powerful force that blanketed us in a cocoon and buffered the shock. (As a single person, I will never fully understand the extent of the hurt and anguish that Jogyata underwent at that time, but I know with full assurance that Guru was especially looking out for him.) At that time the Centre was united in grief, with all of the little petty things that happen between people being totally buried and forgotten in the face of the big unthinkable thing that had happened.
Anyway, The Blue Bird stayed closed that day with a sign on the door explaining that a sudden tragedy had occurred, and we went to the Centre to meditate (or sob uncontrollably, depending on who you were). The practicalities of life intruded before I went to the Centre and it occurred to me to get prasad, so I went to 3 Guys – the supermarket across the road – to buy it. I was in the checkout queue when I suddenly had a feeling of fullness and effulgence all inside and around me (I don't quite know how to express it!) and Subarata was there. I looked all around – I was so certain I would see her and could not believe that I could not – but of course she was a soul, so I did not. She had an extremely strong presence and stayed with me for several minutes, during which time I tried to very inadequately express gratitude, love and the utmost goodwill (Sri Chinmoy once said this is a good thing to offer the soul of someone who has departed) by feeling it and thinking it as hard as I could, and trying to stay detached at the same time (which was impossible!) I did not know at that point that she had free access to the earth plane and could come and go as she pleased.
Since then I have seen Subarata a few times. When Jogyata came back from New York, several times when I looked at him – especially in the first few months – there would be a sudden interchange, and Subarata and not Jogyata would be looking back at me! There was an instantaneous but unmistakable flicker and she would be there! My unevolved mind found this a little unnerving, and I would flush hot and cold and try to look as though I hadn't noticed anything – especially I would try not to mention Subarata's name to Jogyata, who was grieving. I am not sure if he knew she was so close! Since then I have seen unmistakable aspects of Subarata in Gael, Sophie and Alana. Also, in the progress of some of the new people in the Centre (those who did not physically meet Subarata) I can see that Subarata has been at work. Some of them have even had dreams of her and feel close to her, as if they had known her.
The Sari
Nishtha's birthday came almost a week after Subarata's passing. Because she was grieving so much for Subarata, Sri Chinmoy celebrated her birthday a week or two later. On the day that I now know was her birthday in New York, I felt a strong urge to go and buy her a sari. As I did not know her very well I thought she would find it strange that I should buy her a sari (I had no idea that it was her birthday!) but the feeling became insistent, so I went to the India Emporium. Walking in, I despaired. Not being a natural shopper, there was so much choice and I felt that I knew Nishtha's tastes too inadequately to make a good decision. This is when a miracle happened.
I was running my hand over a rack of saris, telling myself that this was futile, when Subarata's voice – complete with lilting Irish accent – came from inside of me and said, "That one!" And – what is more – my hand instinctively clutched one of the saris. Drawing it out, it was holding onto a lovely white sari – simple yet elegant – with blue flowers on an embroidered border. So I bought it. In New York in April, I left it at Annam Brahma for Nishtha to open, then went to visit Vyakulata. Nishtha traced me there and phoned to thank me for the sari. The first thing she said was, "Subarata made you get it!" I was rendered speechless and was busy flushing hot and cold – Nishtha's intuition had unnerved me, and she was absolutely right! It was Subarata's birthday present to her – and she had not forgotten her dear friend's birthday even from the soul's world.
Not Scary Enough
After years of surviving Jogyata leaping out at her, doing the unexpected and giving her terrible frights, Subarata was fairly canny and it was difficult to take her by surprise. Once when she was coming back from New York Jogyata went to pick her up from the airport, leaving us in the Centre organising her surprise party. When they drove up we hid behind all sorts of things – pot plants, dividing walls, carefully placed screens, chairs, etc... – in order to leap out and give her the fright of her life. Unfortunately she came straight into the Centre looking for us because she had seen all of our cars parked outside. We would have to be much more cunning next time.
The Answerphone
Sometimes Subarata would leave messages on my answerphone and, when she went away to New York or on the Christmas Trip, I would save the latest message and listen to it every now and then when I needed to hear her voice, until she came back. The quality of Subarata's voice was such that it had the double effect of comfortably reassuring you whilst making you pull up your socks at the same time. The last message she left was when she was in Brazil on January 31, 2000. She never came back from that trip so I still have the message saved on my answerphone, years later. Sometimes when I am feeling weary or a bit down the sound of her voice gives me the inspiration and determination needed to battle along in the battle field of life once again.
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On Meditation
I was attracted to meditation because I needed to alleviate the stress that I found inside me as I dealt with my lifestyle, being a PhD science student (with a scholarship from MAF) and an odd-job professional musician.
Toshala hard at work in The Blue Bird
In the first class I attended I lapped up meditation like a thirsty camel and enjoyed it so much that after finishing my PhD I took time out to set up a café that people could come to and experience Sri Chinmoy's world of meditation and joy. I also wanted to give myself time to focus on developing a spiritual life, which was very important to me, and had been lacking previously.
But the laugh is on me because now I am so busy there is no time to do anything else but work!! However there is now no – or at least very little – stress involved as the café where I work is a meditative place – a place where food is prepared and served with love, and where harmony and joy reign supreme. Work itself is a meditation, and although I am not at too much leisure to write a paragraph, I am pretty fast at writing lists. So I present my list:
Meditation Is:
- in soulful music
- in living a wholesome life
- in friendship
- in making right choices
- in caring for the world around you
- a joyful experience
- a blissful communion with God
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Transit Passengers in the Sky
At 6 a.m. I brought a friend to the airport and got home with plenty of time to spare before heading in to work. The prior night's full moon, called the Snow Moon according to my Susan Branch calendar, still shone brightly as I picked her up in the dark.
As I headed home from the airport a half hour or so later, I was treated to the moon and sun's overlapping presence in the sky. The moon lingered, delaying its curfew so that it could watch the paintbrush technique of the sun as the sky's blush began. Darkness still played bodyguard to the moon and its yet full round majesty parallelled the sunrise's emerging splendour.
Underneath their finery, I think the sun was doing jumping jacks towards Heaven and the moon readied for a game of hide and seek.
Watching the play of the two together around me as I returned home, I offered a small moment of thanks that my early morning errand allowed me to watch these transit passengers in the sky. Their juxtaposition made each the more beautiful than either one alone could have ever been.
Just Write It Down
Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to write something when you have not been asked a specific question? It is similar to building something out of thin air where one is very aware of the lack of substance that one is forced to work with.
However, if you pick a topic that you have a feeling for (no matter how slight a feeling for!) just imagine yourself having a chat about it to a friend, and write it down. For instance, just the other day I mentioned something to Alana about selfless service and she responded with an in-depth and lengthy discourse on different types of service, the comparative spiritual impacts and social aspects of service, a discussion of where service becomes selfless and where it does not - touching upon subtle shades of service and inferences herein - and ended with a pithy aphorism! (Just a small note of interest – Alana often uses aphorisms to illustrate things so this was not a surprise.) I was impressed and suggested she write down her views, but she said that she did not know what to say!
A blank piece of paper or a blank screen can be intimidating, but hey! – if you can chat about something, just write it down. It is easier than you think. If it helps, say it first – like you are in a conversation – then write it. The format can come later but first write something – anything – down!
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