Sahana's stories
I felt a bell ringing in my heart
This is one of the stories in our Story-Gems project, a collection of our experiences with our Guru, Sri Chinmoy. Project homepage »
When I was younger, I decided to travel around the world. I went to Greece and lived on a boat and sailed around all the islands. I went to Israel and lived on a kibbutz and learnt about socialism: it's like an ashram in some ways, it’s a co-operative farm. I learnt that socialism is very difficult to practise. Also, I became interested in reincarnation; when you accept reincarnation, politics looks different. It's not so important.
I went to Africa and then across the sea to India. I was a wandering sadhu. I had many adventures in India, which I'll talk about at another time. But something important happened. I read the Ramayana and I visited many beautiful, beautiful places. But I didn't find the spiritual truth that I'd been looking for.
When I got on the aeroplane to come back to Europe, I prayed to God. I said, why haven't you revealed your Truth to me here in India? I got on the plane, and as it took off, there were complimentary magazines, Time magazine and Newsweek magazine. I opened the page and read a review of a concert at Carnegie Hall with a British jazz musician called John McLaughlin. He was called Mahavishnu. He had very short hair and was dressed in white. He dedicated the concert to his Guru Sri Chinmoy. I felt a bell ringing in my heart.
Back in England, I was still a hippie. We were sitting in a circle in a room in our house by the sea, on the south coast of England. The door opened and light came shining in from the hall. My friend David came in with short hair, dressed in white with Guru's transcendental picture. All of the other hippies went, “Arggh, what's this!” But I felt the bell ringing in my heart.
I went and stayed at the Sri Chinmoy Centre, which David, who later received the spiritual name Pavitrata, was running at the time. I saw the Transcendental [Sri Chinmoy’s most sacred photograph in a very high state which his students use in their meditation]. I read Guru's books for two days. I was on my own at the Centre. I just read Guru's books. I loved everything. Every time I turned the page, it was something more wonderful.
Then I read a book of rules. It said, "Cut your hair." My hair was very long. I said, “No, I'm going to keep my hair!” This was my 'free flag' flying.
That night, my hair started falling out. In the morning, I went to the hairdresser's and had everything shaved off. I thought, “If Sri Chinmoy can inspire me to do this overnight, what else can he do?”
I came to London and I went to the Sri Chinmoy Centre. I did not feel connected to the students of Sri Chinmoy who were present at the time. But the meditation was great! I didn't know what to do.
When I left that night, I stole a pencil that was in the hall. When I got home, I looked at the pencil, and it was an aphorism by Sri Chinmoy. It said, "I shall not fail you if you can dare to believe that I care for you.” So in 1974, I became a disciple.
Someone advised you
Someone advised you and helped you
In your search for Truth.
Once you discovered the Truth,
To your wide surprise
You saw that your previous Helper and Adviser
Was none other than God Himself.Sri Chinmoy 1
- 1. Ten Thousand Flower-Flames, part 31, Agni Press, 1982
If a wish comes from the soul, it will be granted
This is one of the stories in our Story-Gems project, a collection of our experiences with our Guru, Sri Chinmoy. Project homepage »
It was 1978, and I had just moved to New York, to finish my Bachelor of Music degree at Manhattan School of Music. A friend invited me to come to see Sri Chinmoy at a public meditation. At that time Sri Chinmoy used to offer a public meditation once a week at St. Paul’s Chapel, Columbia University. I had not practised formal meditation at that time, and also did not know what having a Master meant for one’s spiritual life. I had taken some classes in Kundalini Yoga, mostly for relaxation, but did not feel at home with it. A few years before, an acquaintance kept asking me, "Have you read the Upanishads yet?" He asked so many times that I ended up walking into a bookstore and requesting a copy of the Upanishads. So I started reading the Upanishads. Some passages I found beautiful, while other passages were incomprehensible to me.
On this particular evening in July of 1978 I entered St. Paul’s Chapel without any expectation. After all, I did not know what a spiritual Master was, and I did not know what meditation was, either. I had been searching for the Truth for a few years, but did not know how to find it! My only advantage that night was that this search of mine had left me quite empty inwardly, bereft of many things that might otherwise have stood in the way... I remember walking up the steps of the chapel that night feeling fresh, with no expectations, as I was totally ignorant of what meditation was, and what a spiritual Master was as well.
I remember sitting in the middle of that church, which holds maybe 2,000 people, and waiting. Sri Chinmoy walked in, dressed in a light blue dhoti. He sat on a floor-level chair with a back support, a chair without legs, on one of the platforms leading to the main altar of this church. He folded his hands in prayer, bowed to the audience, and then proceeded to start meditating in silence.
I did not know how to meditate, and did not know what to do, so I started admiring the architecture of this magnificent church. In Puerto Rico most of our churches are much smaller! During this process of admiring the architecture of the church, I noticed that a cloud of light was advancing from the front of the church, where Sri Chinmoy was, towards the back. This cloud of light seemed to be expanding! So I looked at it in admiration, and asked myself in silence, "What is this light, and where does it come from?"
As soon as I said this, I felt the cloud of light had reached me, and entered into me! This had a most wonderful effect: I felt that this light had washed me completely. It felt, as the evangelicals say in Puerto Rico, como un río de agua viva (like a river of living water), and I felt that it had purified me. I could feel I was washed, divinely washed, inside myself, and I felt real purity.
At this point I felt the need to look at Sri Chinmoy, and as I did, I saw that he was emanating this beautiful light. He was still meditating in silence, but was glowing with this beautiful light which I had just experienced. Immediately I said to myself, "Oh, it’s coming from him!" No sooner had I said this than I felt my heart jumping with joy and saying: "We found it! This is what we have been looking for! We’re home!" It felt like I had a very small child jumping on my shoulder, right next to my left ear. It was so powerful, so vivid, that my mind had no chance to doubt this experience.
Feeling my own joy, I thought, "This is the greatest joy I have felt in my life. I have tried everything, but this is the greatest joy. I am willing to follow this man’s instructions, because I want what he has!" After the meditation was over, one of Sri Chinmoy’s students announced that those who were interested in becoming Sri Chinmoy’s disciples could come and meditate with him. I stood up without thinking!
Sri Chinmoy was then seated on a white chair, towards the right of the church. I knelt in front of him and he asked me my name, and what I did, and then smiled. I had this overwhelming emotion inside me which prompted me to say, "I want to be your disciple, because I have this tremendous need for purity!" I had intuitively felt that his inner light, which I experienced during the meditation, was the purity my heart and soul wanted. Sri Chinmoy smiled.
So this is how my discipleship started. I feel that he had to give me that experience that night because I was so ignorant about how to find a Master or a path. Had he not done that, I would have been lost.
I just want to share also with you that my experience is that if you have a very soulful wish in your heart, if it comes from your soul, a soulful wish, it is granted. What we don't know is when it will be granted. It could be one week, one month, ten years. But it is granted.
I tell you
The supreme secret:
If you soulfully wish
To see the Face of God,
Your very wish Will attract God’s Heart.
Just wish!
Lo and behold,
The reward supreme!Sri Chinmoy 1
- 1. Ten Thousand Flower-Flames, part 12, Agni Press, 1981
The infinite prayer in an infinite loop
This is one of the stories in our Story-Gems project, a collection of our experiences with our Guru, Sri Chinmoy. Project homepage »
I remember very well the circus day for our international amateur circus. There was a big circus day and the circus would also go for many hours. There would be a lot of performances, acrobatic and people doing juggling and all sorts of funny performances. At some point there was a break in the circus and I was with some other children. We were practicing some singing or something.
Then somebody came up and said, "Guru wants to speak to you, Guru wants to speak to you." So my mother took me quickly and we ran to go and see Guru. Guru was sitting in his big chair. When he saw me, he said, "Oh, so you speak some Sanskrit."
A lot of the disciple children in London went to a particular special school. It was a school that incorporated some Indian philosophy. They told stories from the Mahabharata. They also used to teach us Sanskrit and a little bit of Vedic mathematics. It was a very unusual school.
Guru said, "Please recite something in Sanskrit."
There is a prayer. It is called the infinite prayer or the perfect prayer. It goes, Purnam adah purnam idam purnat purnam udacyate... A lot of the words begin with purna. It's a famous mantra in the Vedic Upanishads.
I started to repeat this mantra. At school I did it a thousand times. I knew it perfectly, but somehow when I was repeating it for Guru, I would go back to the first word before I got to the end. So I went into an eternal loop. I couldn't get out. I couldn't end the mantra because I would go back to the first word by mistake and then start again. It just kept going. I repeated it three times and then Guru said, "Oh, very good, very good, very good!" I think Guru realised it would go on for eternity if he didn't stop me.
God asks my heart
To tell Him its mantra.
My heart replies,
“My Lord, my only mantra is,
‘I sleeplessly and breathlessly love
Only You.’”Sri Chinmoy 1
- 1. Seventy-Seven Thousand Service-Trees, part 1, Agni Press, 1998
'When are you going to stop breaking bones and start breaking records?'
This is one of the stories in our Story-Gems project, a collection of our experiences with our Guru, Sri Chinmoy. Project homepage »
The most significant experience I have had in the running world was when Guru asked me to run across America from California to New York.
So, this was, I think, 1983. This was before ultramarathons had started in the Centre. There were really no ultramarathons then, as far as I remember. We did have races, though, including marathons. I was the director of the Sri Chinmoy Marathon Team in Puerto Rico, we did many events. But in 1983, Guru asked me to go to San Francisco to be in the Centre there.
And so, I was there in San Francisco when the disciples in the Centre in Victoria, Canada, were going to have their very first triathlon. I think it was in 1983. Guru was going to travel from New York to Victoria. So, all of the disciples in California decided to drive up and help with the triathlon and to have a big Joy Day.
Now, just before we did that, I fractured my arm. I fell off a skateboard, so I had my arm in a cast. We drove up a week before and we had this beautiful triathlon. it was super exciting. Guru was so happy. That afternoon Guru had a function with all the disciples in a big meeting room. He was telling stories about the day and just having a really nice time and answering questions.
So, during this function, I was just sitting there minding my own business with my hand on the cast. Guru was talking to different disciples. Then he looked over at me and he said, “So, Banshidhar, when are you going to stop breaking bones and start breaking records?”
I was kind of surprised. I said, “Well, whatever you say, Guru.” He kept looking at me and wiggling his feet. And then he said, “No, why don’t you run around Hawaii?”
But one of my dear brothers, my good brother Nirvik—who actually just passed away about two weeks ago…. He used to live in Hawaii also. That's where I was born and raised. So, he told Guru, “Guru, there is really not a road that goes all the way around Hawaii.” In my mind I was thinking, “Oh, no, don't say that. It would be great. It's a nice little run of about 300 miles.”
So, Guru kept looking at me and smiling. I could see that he was thinking of something, seeing something. So, he says, “Why don't you run from California to New York?” I said, “If you say so, Guru.”
All of a sudden he said, “Okay, everybody, Banshidhar is going to run from California to New York.” I was in shock. Everybody started clapping and I did not know what had happened. I was sitting there in a daze. My mind was saying, “Wait a minute, it went from 300 miles around Hawaii to 3000 miles across America in one minute! Oh, man….”
Everyone was congratulating me. And I didn't know what was going on. In my head, I said, “Well, okay, whatever. So then after that, after the function, when Guru was going to leave, all the disciples went outside. We stood in a nice little line on each side of the path. When Guru walked by, he did his blessings. Of course, I was also out there. Guru came down the line, speaking with everybody and smiling. When he got to me, he said, “Come walk with me.” And so, I start walking with him.
I walked with Guru on his way to the car and he said, “Okay, good boy, start training, and when you are ready, let me know. I will tell you the date when you should start.”
So now remember, this was 1983. This was before the 3100-mile race and all of these ultramarathons. There was not a lot of information out there about how to train for something like this. But there were people, I would say, throughout history maybe about 100 people, had done that in the past, had run across America.
So, I started training. It took me maybe about a year to a year and a half until I felt that I was about as ready as anything. And then I told Guru, “I guess I'm ready.”
Guru asked me, “What would I like to call this run?” I said, “Well, how about Aspiration-Journey?” Then Guru closed his eyes. He smiled and said: “Everest-Aspiration-Journey.”
In the spiritual life,
Every day, every hour,
Every minute
I must long for God’s inner Guidance
And God’s outer Guidance.Sri Chinmoy 1
- 1. My Christmas-New Year-Vacation Aspiration-Prayers, part 29, Agni Press, 2004
The Source of Music
When we listen to soulful music, or when we ourselves play soulful music, immediately our inner existence climbs up high, higher, highest. It climbs up and enters into something beyond. This Beyond is constantly trying to help us, guide us, mould us and shape us into our true transcendental image, our true divinity. When we hear soulful music, or when we play a soulful piece of music, we feel a kind of inner thrill in our entire existence, from the soles of our feet to the crown of our head. A river is flowing through us, a river of consciousness, and this consciousness is all the time illumined.
Sri Chinmoy
Sri Chinmoy was a prolific composer of spiritual music. Writing from his own experiences and realisations, he explores the spiritual dimensions of music and its power to awaken the truth-seeker to their inner divine Consciousness. There is also an in-depth section on mantra and japa, which have been used in India for spiritual growth and fulfilment for thousands of years.
USA: Heart-Light
The connection between Sri Chinmoy's music and my soul
This is one of the stories in our Story-Gems project, a collection of our experiences with our Guru, Sri Chinmoy. Project homepage »
Guru's music is a very big connection between him and my soul. He has said that his music is not secondary to his meditation, and if you know how Guru meditates, you know it's the infinite consciousness.
I don't know how to describe it. It's almost like a river or an ocean, but it's a river between earth and heaven. It is a direct connection. You touch the river here, but the river touches Heaven also. So, what happens to me is I that I make arrangements for Guru’s music intuitively, so I feel my soul in the music that I do.
Sometimes the songs will come to me asking me to do something with them. You probably all know the song Asundar je bhitar bahir. A few years ago, I was in Manhattan with some boys. We had a class and we were leaving, we were going to get pizza. Suddenly the song was coming very powerfully and knocking in my heart. You know, it's a very sad song. But I remember when Guru composed that song in Brazil, I remember falling in love with that song immediately because it is so, so tenderly human.
The song, the meaning of the song, is incredible, it says, “My life, inner and outer, is utterly devoid of beauty. How can the shattered boat of my life-river ever reach God’s beauty-harbour?”
I've played that song so many times now, and it's in a medley I did in honour of Guru. It's on Radio Sri Chinmoy. It’s called “Ode to My Lord.” I concentrate on the meaning of a song, and it captures me. Then I learn the song. It becomes part of my heart and then it comes out in an arrangement.
God wants
My meditation-depth
To be the sweetest song
Of His Heart.Sri Chinmoy 1
- 1. My Blessingful and Pride-Flooded Dedication to the Indomitable Runners of the 3100-mile Self-Transcendence Race 2007, 12 July 2007, published by Agni Press 2007
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