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In late November 2000, I was in New York for a few days. I had taken a few days off work to be with Guru before he left for the Christmas Trip. During that week, there were meditation functions every evening. On Wednesday night, when we were passing in front of Guru to take prasad, he said to me: "Utsahi, I would like you to talk to us about your work... something serious, something funny... for 30 to 45 minutes. Just let me know when you are ready."
I was in shock. What would Guru want to know about my work? What could I say for 30-45 minutes about my job? Why was Guru asking me to do such a thing? Just thinking about it, I was already all stressed out, and my mind was working like crazy: Why, why, why? But, of course, I smiled and answered: Yes, Guru.
When leaving the Aspiration-Ground, Disharini, who had heard this conversation, suggested that I could talk about meditation classes as well. This opened up a new door... Yes, I could talk not only about my academic and intellectual work, but also about my spiritual work. So a plan started to take shape. Planning something like this is like rolling a snowball: you start with a small thing, and add on to it, little by little...
Needless to say, these moments of preparation were quite stressful; I had to prepare something to present in front of Guru and disciples. But in another way, I loved these moments; they were very special, full of energy.
Two days later, on Friday, November 30th, I felt I was ready... nervous, but ready. That evening, since it was very cold outside, the meditation function was held indoors at PS 86. Soon after we started, Guru called me up on stage.
How can a disciple feel when talking in front of his Master about matters that are intellectual, mental - in front of a Master who has given so many talks with his heart and soul? I had written a little plan on a piece of paper, simply to make me less insecure, in case my mind suddenly went blank:
"Part 1- My regular classes
Part 2- My children; a parent and a teacher
Part 3- Meditation classes."
But these handwritten notes were more to calm my insecurity than anything else...
While preparing this, I had come to realize that everything we do in life can be spiritual. So I had planned to share this truth. In order to set the tone, I started by reciting this poem of Guru’s that I love very much:
Wherever you go, go with inspiration and aspiration.
Whatever you do, do with love and concern.
Whomever you see, see with purity’s beauty
And responsibility’s glory.
Then I started relating some incidents about my job, some serious, some funny. I talked about a conference where I made a presentation, in Nicaragua. I had the turista... To stabilize my system, I had been fasting for two or three days, only drinking water, with salt and sugar added. A young couple let me stay in their studio for the day. Before leaving, they had told me that there was cold water in their fridge. You have to know that in this country, they put their drinking water in recycled rum bottles. I was sick and all alone in their home. I was really thirsty and needed to drink. I took what I thought was a bottle of water from the fridge; but after drinking a full glass in one shot, I realized that I had swallowed four or five ounces of pure rum, with the addition of a bit of salt and sugar...
I also explained how it happened that I became a professor: I had been a child welfare worker in northern New Brunswick for a few years. The Director of the School of Social Work in Moncton, five hours away, had a dream in which he saw me on his staff. He called and told me about this dream, and offered me a professor’s job. I accepted, moving into the academic world. It was actually because of this that I settled in Moncton, where I eventually came to know about Guru and the path. Otherwise, in Campbellton, where I had been living, there would have been zero chances of meeting Guru.
I talked about some of my experiences when giving meditation classes... how these transformed me... how I feel Guru’s presence as soon as we start talking about the path, about Guru, and about one of the constant consequences: after a two-hour workshop, I am totally transformed and energized, while when giving my regular academic classes, after the same amount of time, I am drained, exhausted...
After the initial moments of tension, the presentation went well. I was still nervous, but honoured to be able to do this for Guru. After 40-45 minutes, I bowed to Guru and went to sit down. Immediately, Guru asked for a standing ovation. And then he asked if I would be ready for some questions from the audience. How could I say no? I was pleased to... So I went up again and answered, the best I could, five or six questions from the people present. And then another ovation! Then there was prasad. Guru called me up and offered me prasad from his hand. He then said:
Utsahi, you are a professor of life and a student of the heart. As a student of the heart, you are unique. As a professor of life, you are also unique. As a student of the heart, you are offering your soul’s fragrance to the world at large. As a professor of life, you are sleeplessly and breathlessly learning from the Lord the creation.
I didn’t know that someone was taking photos during the whole presentation. A dozen photos were given to me a few weeks later. In them, I can see how attentive Guru is, his sweet smile when I cracked a joke, his appreciation when he applauded, his divine smile when he offered me prasad.
Little did I know at the time that this experience would transform my work. Since then, I have considered my teaching, my research, my writings as a spiritual experience. At the start of each semester, for example, I take the time to walk around the assigned classrooms, praying and meditating that the students will be receptive and that I will be an instrument of the Supreme.
Utsahi gives a lecture
What a gift! You give a little to Guru and he offers you the world in return. Ever since this experience, my life, my thoughts and actions have taken on another dimension. Gratitude, Guru, for this beautiful experience. Because of you, my regular job has been transformed. Through another miracle of yours, you have eliminated the walls between my academic work and my spiritual mission on earth. All is divine... "Wherever you go... Whatever you do... Whomever you see..."
1. The Wings of Joy: Finding Your Path to Inner Peace, New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997, p. 194
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Photos from the Garden of Light, Utsahi's gift store in Ottawa
For many years, I had been dreaming of opening a divine enterprise. During my monthly visits to New York, I had adopted the habit of helping out at Guru Health Foods, which was run by disciples. Working with the boys there gave me lots of joy,
When Guru found out that I was working there, he immediately suggested that I should open a health food store in Ottawa. Wow! What a challenge! Having worked there for some time by then, I kind of knew what it meant: so many products, about which you need to have knowledge, so many trends in health, natural living and healing, plus the staffing, the displays, not to mention the finances...
I started looking for a location in Ottawa. I was drawn to the Vanier area and learned that Hladini had had a health food store there in the 1980s. I continued to look for a suitable location. In addition, as I continued to work in Guru Health Foods, I became more attentive to customers’ needs, trends in health food products and health care. I was getting ready!
But in 1998, all of a sudden, the health food store plan changed. The Supreme has His own plans, I guess. In the same building as Prapti’s Perfection-Satisfaction-Promise restaurant was a very small, messy, second-hand bookstore. And through Prapti, I had known for a while that the bookstore owner was struggling financially and considering letting go of his lease. Prapti pointed out to me that this location would have many advantages: it was in the same building as another divine enterprise, there were lots of students coming by, there was lots of other pedestrian traffic. This seemed like a unique project, where we could attract the student population into something divine. But what to put in this tiny spot? I was looking for signs, praying for God’s Will to be manifested.
One curious sign was given to me while running in a remote area of Gatineau. At that time, I would run 10 km before going to work every morning. This was my training for the long runs: marathons, the 47-mile race, the 24-hour in Ottawa, the New Year’s self-transcendence run, and a few others. That morning in May, 1998, I was running on a small dirt road, and what did I find on the side of the road? An angel! Yes, an angel figurine that happened to be there... Was it a mere coincidence? Was it a sign from above? I picked up the angel and looked up to Heaven, full of gratitude, and smiled.
An angel figurine on sale at Utsahi's store
I had always had a fascination for angels, ever since I was very young, and visited angel shops whenever I had the occasion.. My childhood dreams of Heaven always were comprised of two elements: angels and bicycles. Yes, bicycles – because we could not afford such a luxury when I was young. And angels because, in my Christian background, Heaven was full of angels singing, flying and gracefully dancing at the feet of God the Father, sitting on His throne! (Both my dreams have come true: I now have a bicycle, and in our Centre, angels are singing at every meditation.)
A wonderful idea materialized: an enterprise that would sell Guru’s books and music, and spiritual merchandise, where we could sell angels and other spiritual statues, and where human angels would work selflessly. When this concept was presented to Guru, he loved it: People working selflessly in a store offering his message, his books, music and Jharna-Kala products.
And then the work started. The location had to be entirely renovated. A disciple from Montreal helped me plan the renovations. I had literally no money at the time, but with contributions from friends, I had set aside $5,000 for the project. Then I got quite a shock: The estimate for renovations was more than $17,000! This was balanced by a wonderful surprise: the generosity of disciples. For example, to this day, I have never seen the renovation invoice... many disciples helped financially.
Next, we needed a name. We had a friendly competition in our Centre, and disciples suggested approximately ten names. These were submitted to Guru. He listened to our suggestions, was silent for a minute, and then came up with his own name: The Garden of Light. What a beautiful name! What a gift! To this day, when we buy merchandise, we think about the name Guru gave the enterprise, and ask ourselves: Will this item bring light into his garden of light?
We opened on September 27, 1999. The inventory was very small, but the staff and I were full of hope... Yasodhara, a retired school teacher, gave more than her full time and energy to the shop for two years. There were, at some point, 27 people working selflessly at The Garden of Light. Practically the entire Centre was involved, either working in the store itself or carrying out other responsibilities for the enterprise (accounting, scheduling, buying, etc.). Spiritually, it was a beautiful concept; financially, it was a great challenge and, as we all know, challenges are great opportunities to learn, to grow.
A few months later, on November 21, 1999, Guru came to Ottawa for a concert. Of course, we had prepared The Garden of Light, hoping that he would come to visit. Our wish came true: He came and blessed the enterprise in such a beautiful way I can’t even describe it. When he entered the store, he looked at me, silently, for several moments, meditating on me. Then he started looking around, and at some point picked up a pen, paused for a while, then wrote in our guest book:
My Soul’s Infinite Blessings,
My Heart’s Infinite Joys,
My Life’s Infinite Gratitude.
Guru Sri Chinmoy
What a gift from our Guru! He continued looking around, and after 15-20 minutes, sat down and said:
Selfless service is the one hundred percent manifestation of my light and goal. It is the ideal way. In this place, you are doing exactly that. My infinite light, delight and purity are being manifested here.
Approximately three hundred disciples were outside, waiting for an opportunity to come in. They came in through Perfection-Satisfaction-Promise, and took prasad at Guru’s feet while he was sitting inside The Garden of Light.
In New York, Utsahi speaks with Sri Chinmoy about how 'The Garden of Light' is doing
Over time, we were able to open a second location, next to the Peace Garden on Clarence Street. Eventually, we moved this store to Ottawa South, the area where our first divine enterprises were located in the 1970s.
This second location on Bank Street offers more possibility in terms of space; plus, in the basement, we have a permanent exhibition of Guru’s Jharna-Kala artwork.
With The Garden of Light stores came lots of new challenges, possibilities and opportunities: what and where to buy, how to manage a divine enterprise, how to offer to the community some spiritual opportunities, through classes, informal dis- cussions, meeting with seekers, etc. In this way, our enterprise, as well as selling products, offers an oasis of peace where people can come and browse through a book, listen to spiritual music, experiment on a singing bowl or two.
One woman expressed it this way in our guest book: “Every time I come to Ottawa from Maniwaki (more than one hour away), I go and eat at Perfection-Satisfaction-Promise and then I come here, to The Garden of Light and bathe in its atmosphere. After this, I have enough of the city and head back home."
I’m so fortunate that, through my work, I participate in conferences the world over. So whenever I travel to Tunisia, Turkey, Myanmar, China, India and other countries, I take some time to shop, and then I can bring home unique gifts to sell in the enterprise.
Once, while at a conference in Chennai, I made a little detour to Kathmandu, and there I realized that there were many opportunities, both for my spiritual edification as well as for our business. Since this initial three-day detour, I have made many more trips to Nepal. This lovely land, with its soulful inhabitants, is a very spiritual place. I have met many people there who have become close friends and not merely business partners. Now when I visit, it’s not mainly for shopping; it’s more to be with my fellows, my sisters and brothers. Also, I have attended the Sri Chinmoy Centre in Kathmandu so often that I now consider it my second spiritual home. Of course, I do some shopping on the side, and love to give classes there, as well.
The dream of becoming a wholesale distributor had been in my mind for a while; it became a reality in August 2013. From now on, going shopping in Nepal has become even more important, since we have to supply both the stores and the distribution business. I never expected that doing a little selfless service in Guru Health Foods would bring all these consequences.
It was Tuesday, December 2nd, 1997. Guru was offering the New Year’s message that night, before he left for the Christmas Trip. Malahinam, Jyotish and I had decided to drive to New York during the day and be there for the evening Peace Concert that Guru was offering in Manhattan, and to receive the 1998 New Year’s Message.
These annual messages had been of tremendous inspiration and hope for me over the twelve years that I had been on the path. They revealed Guru’s vision for the world for the year to come. Many times over the year, we would recite them collectively, in our group meditations. My favorite one had been the 1993 message:
God is dreaming,
Newness singing,
Oneness blossoming,
Fulness dancing.
Hope no more gropes.
Life without slopes,
Splendid depths and heights
Transform bondage nights.
Guru had encouraged us to post this particular message in as many places as possible. In Ottawa, we had it aired on the radio and it was printed in the local papers, both in French and English. Guru had put it into a beautiful song as well, which I love to sing.
So, on December 2, 1997, we had sneaked out of our respective workplaces in order to be with our Guru for a few hours, to receive both his message for 1998, and his light. Our plan was to drive back through the night, arrive in Ottawa at approximately 8 a.m. the next morning, take a shower and go to work... That way, we would only miss one day’s work.
Never did I suspect that this day would give me tremendous inspiration and hope, enlighten my life and change my destiny. It was the day when I would see my soul in its true form...
We found the hall, parked the car. It was relatively easy: we just had to follow the saris... With winter coats on, it wasn’t necessarily easy to recognize the boys in whites, but saris were very visible, and very beautiful. The place was packed; there must have been 400 or even 500 people in the hall, for a soulful concert of blessings and meditation. Many were not disciples, but admirers and devotees of Sri Chinmoy, who, over the years, had come to know Guru and were receptive to his message. We sat there and meditated in order to be receptive to our Guru’s message for the year to come.
Then there was silence, and Guru appeared on the stage. For more than one hour, he played the flute, the esraj, the harmonium; he sang several of his soulful compositions. He ended up with a sublime piano performance that electrified the atmosphere and the audience. Then he read the message for the New Year, and we were invited to go on stage and receive a copy of it, as well as an orange, directly from Guru’s hand. The girls went up first, and then the boys. I must have been in the first 20-25 boys.
When my turn came, Guru stopped the distribution, took an envelope from I-don’t-know-where, and handed it to me. Not realizing what was happening, I kind of pulled on the envelope, but Guru held on to it tightly, looked in my eyes, and offered me his sweetest smile. The world stopped. The crowd kept silent. Many people knew what was happening when they saw the envelope. I did not have a clue... Pulak was there and he took some pictures. (I am very thankful to him for having immortalized the occasion. I can now look at these special photos and remind myself of those beautiful moments...) Then Guru said:
I would like you to go home and meditate before opening this envelope. After 20 minutes of meditation, open the envelope, and then recite it 2 one hundred times.
Then he offered me his huge smile. I smiled in return. Then he let go of the envelope. I did not know what to say; I said nothing. Gradually, I realized what was happening. But it was too much, too fast, too intense. My heart was full of gratitude... I would need months thereafter to comprehend and digest what happened there in a split second. Slowly, the reality of what had happened started to sink in: Guru had given me my spiritual name, my soul’s name. I walked back to my place. People were happy, congratulating me. I was in bliss. But I had to wait another nine or ten long hours before I would know what my spiritual name was.
When we were in the car driving back home, I sat for a long time in the back seat with the envelope on my heart, cherishing the moment, heart full of gratitude, joy, bliss. Finally, we arrived in Ottawa. First, I had to do a few things in order not to ruin this special moment. I called my office and told them that something had unexpectedly happened and that I would come in later that day. Then I showered, sat at my altar, meditated as well as I could. And then the moment came. I opened the envelope and delicately took out a handwritten card, with three birds on top, on which Guru had written:
Utsāhi
The seeker divine whose
Enthusiasm, eagerness and self-offering
In the inner world are tremendous
Is known as Utsāhi,
To please the Lord Supreme in His own Way.
I am very proud of you, Utsahi.
Guru Dec 2nd 1997
And there were two more birds at the bottom, flying in the sky of eternity. At this point, I was a bird as well, flying with delight...
When I started on this spiritual journey, I was extremely shy and withdrawn, and felt unworthy of our Guru’s compassion. Also, from a tender age, I had been damaged by life experiences that left me deeply hurt and bearing a profound sadness. There was no way that I could consider myself worthy of God’s Grace. In addition, when I joined Guru’s path, language was also a problem: I could not express myself well in English.
But, over time, I realized that Guru cared for me – and for everyone around me as well – with great love, concern, and gratitude for all we did, no matter what our language barriers or other handicaps or past experiences. He looked at our hearts and not at our limitations! My growing realization of this fact eventually transformed the way I looked at myself. Depreciating myself and focusing on my bad qualities was not fair to anyone, including him, myself, and the Supreme. Thus, I gradually realized that the negative approach was the opposite of my soul’s inner cry and of my mission in life which, after I received my name, could be summarized by one word: enthusiasm. My journey’s goal became much simpler, yet very challenging: to manifest enthusiasm in my everyday life!
From now on, my purpose in life, the mission of my soul’s incarnation was clear: to be enthusiastic, to have enthusiasm. A simple life... Guru looked at my soul... He saw what I was here for... He offered it to me, and now it is my honor and duty to manifest enthusiasm...
Gratitude, Guru, for this unforgettable moment, gratitude for having awakened my dormant soul, gratitude, infinite gratitude... Some time later, at his house, I offered Guru one of his own talks, entitled “Gratitude". I printed it in the shape of a heart.
Sri Chinmoy with Utsahi's gift
Gratitude means
To become a flower in every part of
Your being: body, vital, mind and heart.
Everything in Your being will exist only as a flower.
There are 86,000 subtle nerves inside you, but there
Will not remain anything else except a flower.
You as an individual will become only a flower
To be placed at the Feet of the Supreme.
This flower is completely open;
All the petals are blossomed.
This is gratitude....
Inside the physical body there are thousands of nerves
And inside the subtle body there are thousands
Of subtle nerves.
When everything disappears, when you exist only
As a most beautiful flower and you feel that you
Are ready to be placed at the Feet of the Supreme:
That is gratitude.
But it may take hours,
Days, months, years or many incarnations
To come to that stage.
For one second of gratitude,
The preparation may take quite a few years.
So when I say
That gratitude is the most difficult thing
And the most important thing,
Please remember that I am referring
To this kind of gratitude.
When everything of yours has gone away,
When everything of yours has melted
And there only remains one flower,
When you remain only as a flower
Ready for worship,
And you have placed yourself
At the Feet of the Supreme:
That is gratitude.
On our first trip to New York to see Sri Chinmoy, Professor Nasser and I drove together. It was a long trip, and we made it even longer by getting lost...we spent more than 15 hours on the road. Once we had arrived and taken a shower, we reconvened in what was called Progress-Promise, a large hall on top of a commercial building. As we went up the stairs, I was simply shocked by the incredible number of sneakers lined up along the stairway. The message was clear: Take your shoes off! But why did everyone wear sneakers? When I reached the function room, I immediately noticed that boys were sitting on one side and girls with saris were sitting on the other. Tired after this long trip, I sat on the floor and tried to empty my mind.
Suddenly, there was total silence. Guru Sri Chinmoy had arrived. He was poised, radiating a sublime sense of peace. He looked very serene. His eyes were very sharp, yet full of kindness. He sat down facing the audience and asked the newcomers to walk in front of him. I joined the twenty or so other seekers as we walked soulfully, hands folded, while the hundred or so disciples sang: Dak eseche, Dak eseche... Call has come...
I did not understand much, but it was beautiful. It felt good, yet a little strange. All of this singing and blessing was a shock for a neophyte like me. Bowing in front of a Guru, folding our hands while walking, singing an incantation in a foreign language... my mind thought all this was too much! But again, the little voice inside me liked it; I listened to the inner voice and decided to continue. Needless to say, there was a special energy emanating from this room.
Nasser asked me (in French): Do you see all the light radiating from him? No, I don’t see any light, I answered, with some envy. Nasser came from Tunisia and did not understand two words of English, but boy, was he ever receptive!
Coming home to Moncton after this weekend the same arguments went on within me. What are your priorities? What are your responsibilities? So I continued to be torn between the inner voice and the outer messages, torn between these two opposing forces. During the next couple of years, how many times did I drive to New York with words like this: "This is my last time. It is too much. I have too much pressure, both from family and work. This spiritual life is not for me. I am coming this time to say: Thank you and farewell."
But after a few hours in the presence of Sri Chinmoy, everything would change. It seemed that, in silence, Sri Chinmoy could change my life’s priorities, my way of thinking, the perception of who I was and what I needed. And miraculously, he would give me the strength to continue the journey. At the end of each visit, I was ready to face the music – stronger and more determined to continue exploring the spiritual life under his guidance... until the next crisis, of course!
Inside you is God and the effulgence of divine light. You want to see light. Either you are trying to enter into the vastness of this light, or you are trying to bring to the fore the light that you already have.
"You will like him," said Nasser, a Professor-colleague of mine at the University of Moncton in New Brunswick, a small province in eastern Canada. He was referring to the fact that every Sunday morning in the fall of 1986, one of Sri Chinmoy’s students would drive from the Halifax meditation Centre – located two hours away – to offer his spiritual Master’s message of inner peace and harmony to local seekers, inviting them at the same time to join Sri Chinmoy's "Path of the Heart."
Seven or eight people would come and learn how to meditate; each session would end with a few treats that he would offer us. Strange to my eyes: he comes, pays all of his own expenses, never asks for a dime and offers us some food as well. Every week he also brings a few meditation books and tapes. No sales pressure, though: they are there for us to look at or to buy, if we choose to. He surely did not pay his trip expenses with the books sold during those September sessions!
That morning, as soon as he arrived in the classroom (which had been transformed into a meditation hall), he put a Transcendental Photograph of his Master, Sri Chinmoy (whom he referred to as Guru) on a small table in the University of Moncton’s Education building. He set up another table with the books and tapes. Before settling down to meditate, though, he said something like: I would like to stretch a little after such a drive. Why don’t we all go for a run?
I thought this was a little bizarre, to say the least: we come here to learn how to meditate, and he takes us out for a run...this is crazy, was my mind’s initial reaction. As usual in my case, the first reaction was not necessarily the most illumined one. But my heart’s response was positive.
Seeing him run was a treat. He ran with such grace, such elegance, such light. Although I wasn’t a runner at the time, I could appreciate the agility of what looked like a feather-like series of synchronized movements that he seemed to thoroughly enjoy. His feet barely touched the ground; he ran like a deer, or like a gazelle! (I learned later that Guru had told him he had been a gazelle in an earlier life.)
So my mind was judging his actions – and him as well – but my heart was opening up. How many times thereafter this kind of mind-heart dialogue occurred, I cannot say! My critical mind, coming from a human perspective or an academic viewpoint, would think: These things are crazy. A deeper voice, in loving silence, would whisper: This is beautiful. It is the food my heart and soul need. Gradually I was being introduced to the language of surrender.
But that Sunday morning, I was definitely not ready to surrender... Meditate, sure! Surrender? No way! So the idea, suggested the gazelle-runner, was to silence the mind, to transcend the mind and get to the heart, home of the soul. To go beyond... to dive into a river of spiritual consciousness. How? In silence, he suggested.
I went back home that Sunday morning with an audio tape by a female singing group from Sweden, whose voices made you believe, if you simply closed your eyes, that you were listening to angels descended directly from Heaven.
"This meditation group offers free workshops," I told my family upon returning home to my suburban home. "This is unbelievable!" My wife replied, "Are you sure this is not another gimmick, like that other meditation group we went to? Remember, we ended up paying $500 for the two mantras they gave us? And besides, we badly need this money to feed the kids."2 She was right! We were not rich; I had just completed my doctoral thesis, and this five-year task, without a paying job, had been quite expensive. We needed money for our young children, the house, the car... But in my heart, I wanted to continue, to explore, at least, this message of inner peace.
So the following morning, before the kids got up (this had to be early, because our son was an early bird), I sneaked out of bed, went into the basement, created a little space in my office area, sat on the floor, and started reciting AUM, trying to empty my mind of all thoughts, like the running guy had suggested. I quickly realized that my mind was a bottomless source of ideas. One thought goes, one hundred others come... My preliminary conclusion: in my case at least, the unending parade of ceaseless thoughts is simply impossible to master.
And then the famous doubt-delegation poured in. Yes, my family was right. This is nonsense. Plus, this cannot be free... there is surely something fishy there. And so much for emptying the mind, anyway. After all, I need my mind. In my work as a professor, this gift-of-God mind is my bread and butter. In a university, the mind is king of kings. Plus, Descartes was right: "I think, therefore I am." If you stop to consider it, there is not even an argument: God gave us this faculty so that we could put it to good use, constructing a logical world, full of enlightening discourses, deductions and conclusions. So much for a Sunday morning dream and the Monday morning wake-up... Except for the little voice, which came to me in the initial words of Sri Chinmoy’s poem, The Absolute:
No mind, no form, I only exist
Now ceased all will and thought...3
No, we can’t live without the mind, obviously. But then the inner voice responded: Have a childlike heart. Remember how peaceful you were when you were a child, looking at a flower, looking at your mother. Be a seven-year-old child and see the world, see yourself, see others, with different eyes, the eyes of the heart. So, on the following mornings, I continued to sit down and try to silence the mind. One of the joys of meditation was listening to the Swedish girls’ tape; these songs carried me to great experiences of light and bliss.
But my mind always came back with questions: What the heck was the running freak talking about? It’s time to return to real life... the life where nothing is free. The kids need bread and butter. How can a meditation centre survive on selling a few books and tapes? Definitely, this stuff is not made for a married man, sole breadwinner of the family. In today’s society, nothing is free. I thanked my family for bringing me back to reality. And it was true: how could this guy give away free the mantras of AUM, Shanti and Peace, offer free meditation classes, and afford a 400-km trip to talk to a few seekers on a Sunday morning?
No, I thought, I am not like Jonathan Livingston Seagull, who wanted to spend his life flying. I have to be in touch with reality, be a breadwinner and a responsible father. I travel so much. I attend meetings and conferences, here and there, all over the place. Besides all this, I have to admit that I find mental activity fulfilling... Better to just be realistic and stop this fantasy-world where you empty your mind of thoughts. Thoughts are needed for the world to evolve, for science to continue its progress... and for my ego to continue its journey towards becoming a full professor!
But still, I decided to continue to explore what the gazelle-guy had to offer. And a few weeks later, in spite of all my doubts and tribulations, I submitted an application to become Sri Chinmoy’s disciple. I wrote down a few words about my little self, the inner search that had been calling me for so long, my daily Hatha yoga exercises during the past ten years. As I learned later, the letter and a photograph of me were sent to Queens, New York, home of Sri Chinmoy. In late October of 1986, the answer came from Halifax: "Congratulations, Sri Chinmoy has meditated on your photo and has accepted you as his disciple! You are invited to go to see him in Queens, very soon."
Oh, oh, another weekend away from home! This sounds great, but there is friction in the air. I am excited, but very apprehensive... A Guru in my life?
The awakened consciousness of man is visibly tending towards the Divine. This is a most hopeful streak of light amidst the surrounding obscurities of today. This is a moment, not merely of joining hands, but of joining minds, hearts and souls. Across all physical and mental barriers between East and West, high above national standards, above even individual standards, will fly the supreme banner of Divine Oneness.
2. The purpose of reporting these anecdotes is not intended as any disparagement of my ex-wife. On the contrary, she remains a very good friend to this day. It is simply to illustrate the challenges faced by many people, including myself, when embarking upon a spiritual journey - questions from family, friends, and work colleagues are quite challenging, particularly in our Western world. These considerations make the initial commitment very difficult. I’ve seen the same kind of problem come up with other seekers many times over the years.
Utsahi, you are a professor of life and a student of the heart. As a student of the heart, you are unique. As a professor of life, you are also unique. As a student of the heart, you are offering your soul’s fragrance to the world at large. As a professor of life, you are sleeplessly and breathlessly learning from the Lord the creation.
Sri Chinmoy
At 40, Utsahi had accomplished many of his earthly dreams. A professor, a family man, he already had lots of opportunity for name and fame.
At the time, Utsahi was practicing yoga to better cope with his stressful life. A spiritual quest, let alone a Guru, were not part of his busy agenda. On the occasion of his 40th birthday, his yoga teacher told him: "This can be a very special turning point in your life. At mid-point in your earthly journey, you now have realized your human goals. Now is a unique opportunity to embark on another challenge: focus on your inner life, and therefore become a spiritual being."
The year was 1986; and this is the time when he first heard about Sri Chinmoy through one of his students. Shortly after having been accepted as his disciple, he went to New York to meet his Guru. This meeting transformed his life; from his given name Nérée, he became Utsahi and from earthly priorities, he gradually aspired to become a spiritual being.
Many of his priorities and aspirations changed as he became focused on his spiritual life, trying to harmonize the life of a professor and the search for his true goals in life. Gradually, he realized the meaning of what his Master told him: "You are a student of the heart and a professor of life."
After nearly thirty years of spiritual practice, Utsahi here presents some of the precious moments of a unique journey, from receiving his name to being lifted, expressed in the form of stories, dreams and poetry. The magnificence and challenges of leading a spiritual life are shown through these moments of eternity.
Utsahi is a professor at the School of Social Work, University of Ottawa. Through his job and the enterprises he owns, he has the opportunity to travel extensively. He has offered lectures and conferences on spirituality in many countries and has been an invited professor in Nepal, India and Australia.
Since Guru’s passing our life has changed 180 degrees in every way. Hiranmoyi and I have had to make many major life-decisions, without the benefit of Guru’s outer advice (which Hiranmoyi always sought at every moment on every subject).
Words could not even describe the most amazing ways in which Guru has communicated to us both, simultaneously, through light whenever we have had to make an important decision. Not once or twice, but dozens of times over the past few years, Guru has been communicating through his love and his light in a very tangible and visible fashion, to both of us at the same time.
Guru’s light and guidance is never far from his disciples’ crying hearts, and when we are in need he is always there. We could write a book of beautiful stories about how he has let his presence be known and his wishes be known in an unmistakable way (but people would probably just say it is our mental hallucination – so perhaps it’s best to keep that book unpublished!).
Thank you, Guru, for being so close when we have needed you in so many ways.
Nowadays I have new physical joys and challenges. As Guru always said, "Never Give Up!". Right now as I sit celebrating my 79th birthday, I try to remain a child at heart.
There is an old saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away", but in my case I welcomed the doctors that were sent my way. And in fact, in each case the Supreme made it clear that they were sent to play a specific role in my recovery because of their spiritual roots. Firstly, when I broke my hip and was trying to get into the rehabilitation hospital, the key doctor who made it possible turned out to be a close relative of a former disciple who had swum the Channel the same year that I did and whom I considered a friend.
Once I got into the next place, a young doctor with very long hair and a beautiful face became a daily visitor in my room, discussing all matters of spirituality. Both he and I waited with bated breath for our moments of inspiration. He recognized the Jharna-Kala pictures and the pictures of Guru in my room, because he and his wife were vegetarians and had frequented the Lotus-Heart-Blossoms restaurant here, and his wife played Guru’s music in her yoga classes. The doctor had already, before he met me, obtained a recording of Guru reciting Everest-Aspiration, and he found it very deeply moving. The doctor had been hoping to start painting as a hobby, and for Christmas he sent me his first painting, which he said was inspired as he was listening to Everest-Aspiration. He attributed his beautiful painting to the blessings of meeting us and to the blessings of Guru.
In the continuing saga of spiritual doctors sent my way, the next doctor that was assigned to me said, “This is a Sri Chinmoy room,„ when she saw all the Jharna-Kala and Guru’s pictures. As it turned out, she had a very close association with our Centre several years ago. Can you imagine this – all the doctors that were sent my way had some close connection with Guru! I can only imagine the blessings they have received from Guru for their kindness to me.
If it hadn’t been for Hiranmoyi’s mom and dad, I don’t know where we would be today. If you want to talk about beautiful and divine stories, then there are no other people that deserve being part of this book more than Hiranmoyi’s mom and dad. Some of you may recall the story in one of Guru’s books of how Guru met Hiranmoyi’s mom, dad and sister at the Taj Mahal on one of Guru’s trips to India.
A young Western woman came over to greet me, and told me that her sister Susan was my disciple. We have quite a few Susans on our path, so I asked, “Susan who?”
The answer came: “Susan Elliott.”
I know my disciples’ first names, but their surnames only God knows! “Who is Susan Elliott?” I asked myself.
Fortunately, the young woman added, “She is from Canada.”
Something within me said perhaps it was Susan and Vince. In the meantime Ranjana came over to me with the other woman. It turned out I was right, and this woman was Susan’s mother.
I told her mother, “Susan is very dear and close to me.”
Her mother corrected me, “You mean Susan and Vince!”
I said, “Yes, both Susan and Vince are very dear to me.”
She was thrilled and excited to have met me there, and I too was very happy.
Over the years the disciples have given me thousands of gifts - good or bad, beautiful or ugly. But I remembered that a few years ago Susan’s mother had sent Susan a shawl from India, which she had asked Susan to give me. I was blessing myself for remembering this! So I thanked her for the gift she had sent through her daughter. She was very happy.
Then she introduced me to her husband. While she was introducing me, she was so happy, thrilled and excited, but the husband - I have to be very frank - was stiff and uneasy; he was a little scared.
Susan’s younger sister, Amy, was so happy and excited because she was the one who had been able to recognise me. How? Susan had sent her my picture. If she had sent the transcendental picture, perhaps her sister would not have recognised me. But Susan had sent a picture of me with my dogs, and Amy immediately recognised me from that picture. So you see, my transcendental picture is not the only one to send people. If you send more ordinary pictures, then immediately people can recognise me.
Can you imagine? Susan’s family happened to be there on the same day and at the same hour as we were. Credit goes to my dogs, to Susan for sending the picture and to her sister, Amy.
Afterwards, Ranjana took a group picture of us, and then we all shook hands. Then Susan’s father wanted to take a picture. While he was taking the picture, his consciousness started changing. He started to relax. After he took the picture, he was a totally different man - smiling and beaming with joy.
After I broke my hip, Alan and Sylvia jumped into the fray with such kind, caring and never-ending self-offering to try to help me maximize my potential and help Hiranmoyi help me. Alan, who is a practicing physician, consulted with everyone he could and encouraged me like anything with exercises, crosswords and daily motivational pep talks to be sure I would keep moving forward. He sent messages to me that sounded exactly like what Guru would say to me under the circumstances. Alan would tell me to imagine the determination and will that it took when I set foot in the waters of Dover ready to swim the Channel. He acted like my coach every time I saw him.
Sylvia, who is a real sweetheart, stayed by my side for hours talking to me about beautiful things while Hiranmoyi took rest. For months now, she has been baking for me my favorite spinach casserole and anything else that I like in order to make me happy and prevent me from losing any more weight. At times, she would look through Guru’s books and find poems or phrases that she thought would inspire me and then she would read them to me. Hiranmoyi, her mom and dad and I have been a real team – a divinely inspired team. Her parents are the most youthful, enthusiastic, spontaneous people in the whole world and they continue to make the loop to Kingston several times a month to bring me joy.
Whatever spiritual blessings are floating around the universe, I know they have already found their way to "Mom and Dad" a million times over!
There is only one way I can look at my current situation: everything outer comes and goes. Our friends, our families, our physical strength and so on, all come and go. Even our ability to do the basic things of life that we always take so much for granted, like walking, eating and talking, may come and go. However, it is very interesting to be in the situation that I am in right now, where all of these physical things that I have always taken for granted, and so valued, are gradually (or not so gradually) being taken away from me. So much that I always have relied upon is gone.
Only one thing remains for me: my love of Guru remains as my beacon of light through my waking hours (and hopefully in my sleep). I have a DVD of Guru's Jharna-Kala artwork playing non-stop in my room when no other DVD is on, with Guru’s music in the background. That is what I love most in my life. Guru and his music and his love for me and my love for him is what I now have. That is how kind Guru has been to me. He has taken away everything else and given me his all. I really do feel like a seven-year-old boy of the Supreme.
When we were brand-new disciples, Hiranmoyi had a dream in which Guru and I were wearing colored turbans, riding side by side on horseback. In the dream, Guru turned to ride up a hill and he called out to me, “Follow me." I figure that I have been following Guru, my eternal friend, for some time now. This time round he has taken me on the ride of a lifetime.
Thank you, Guru, for making everything perfect for me in every way. I shall follow you eternally wherever you lead me, with deepest gratitude to my Master, my friend, my all.
Utsāhi
Utsāhi
