Never give up!

It was a beautiful sunny Games Day at our annual August Celebrations in New York. The teams were North America against Europe, playing soccer, a game Guru used to play at the Ashram and encouraged his disciples to play to foster dynamism, oneness and good old discipline.

It was an intense game and I was playing defence. One of our players pierced the defence of the European team but the goalie made a beautiful save and the European team made a couple of very fine passes. Suddenly one European player broke away and was coming towards our goalie. I was running after him as I had gone forward to help on the last play and was caught off guard. I ran with all the speed I could gather up and caught up with him. As he was about to kick the ball, I also swung my right foot to block and we both hit our own foot and collapsed on the ground. The game was stopped momentarily. My brother-disciple seems to have gotten the better of it as he was OK, but my foot had inflated in size. I had pulled something, probably a tendon.

I had to limp off the field and exit from the game and I think the European disciples won that game by a goal. Guru was informed of the situation and I was immediately grateful for that. For some reason, I felt I should walk on my foot, but everyone was giving me advice as to what to do and what not to do, which was not to walk on my foot. I inwardly felt all the time that I should be walking on my foot and it was a very powerful feeling. I felt uncomfortable all afternoon for not listening to that inner voice.

Later that evening I went up for prasad and Guru saw me walking with one foot off the ground and the other taking the whole weight. Guru motioned to me come and see him. I went up to Guru and he told me that he had put a very strong force on me and asked me why was I not walking. I apologized to Guru and went back to my seat walking quite comfortably on both feet. The pain and whatever the problem was had disappeared, and voila – a truly incredible instant miracle cure had occurred.

From that day on I learned a very precious lesson, and that is to listen to one’s inner voice, especially with the calibre of Guru we have.

Even though it happened 20 years ago, I still remember in detail the day when everything began. At the time I was living in Halle an der Saale, a small town in Sachsen-Anhalt. One Saturday evening in summer I was driving home after swimming when I suddenly had the idea to pay a short visit to a friend of mine, a sculptor. Just as I entered his garden, a group of women were leaving. My friend told me that they were coming from Nuremberg every Saturday afternoon to hold a meditation class at his place. "Oh", I thought, "I am interested in that!" By this time I had developed a great inner hunger for spirituality by reading some important books.

I went back the following Saturday. Unfortunately, it was not the same women whose cheerful smiles I remembered well. It was a man who was teaching the class. At this point the group was more advanced and was already meditating the way they usually meditate at the Sri Chinmoy Centres. I could not quite follow. After all, I had never consciously meditated and never received any kind of introduction to meditation. Then I looked at Sri Chinmoy’s books on display, saw his smiling picture on the cover of the book Happiness and thought, "Well, nobody has the capacity to be always happy. This can’t be something authentic; probably it is a sect."

And that is how far it went for me. Nevertheless, I made contact with the man because I planned to move to Nuremberg to study. Maybe I would be able to work for him and make some money, I thought. In the period before moving to Nuremberg, I meditated once in a while following some instructions and otherwise tried to get ready for my new era in Nuremberg.

My move opened a new world for me: anthroposophy. Anthroposophy is a field under the humanities, founded by Rudolf Steiner. It had a great influence on many areas of life – pedagogy, agriculture, art, etc. The Waldorf schools are its best known exponents. I wanted to study eurhythmy, a kind of dance form which visualises music and language through movement. Eurhythmy is very spiritual and is entirely the child of anthroposophy – something quite complicated but most beautiful. I therefore thought that this would be enough in the field of spirituality and that I would not need much else. But as life goes on, one thing follows the other and doors that we did not see before open up all of a sudden.

At some point, the man who had taught the meditation class invited me to go to a fair on the esoteric to help him at his booth there. Since I had never done such a thing, I eagerly agreed. At the age of 21 one is open to the whole world! During the ride I had endless opportunities to ask questions. At the fair, I listened to a music recording by the Nuremberg Sri Chinmoy Centre. It really touched my heart, even though it sometimes seemed a bit off key. I had to have the tape, and someone offered it to me. I still have this tape, and when I listen to it, all those beautiful memories come back... All this happened in 1990, a year after the change in East Germany that set so many things in motion.

When we returned to Nuremberg that evening, I was so inundated by everything that very little was needed for me to feel that I should be part of the group the nice class instructor belonged to. When we said good-bye, he gave me the book Meditation by Sri Chinmoy as a gift and said, "You seem to have the vibration of a disciple."

I went into my apartment, sat on my bed and cried out of gratitude and happiness. At this very moment I know I inwardly became a disciple of Sri Chinmoy and he let me onboard his boat. What happened next? I asked for details about the meditation class and then went to the Sri Chinmoy Centre. The only thing I knew was not to expect anything special. That was a good thing, since I had no special experiences but only felt joy going there. At some point I submitted my picture, but I already knew that I would definitely be accepted by Sri Chinmoy. What else could I have done?

What else is left to say? Gratitude is the only word that comes to me. I am grateful that my life went in this direction, that I found such a great Master and friend who ceaselessly inspires me and lightens my life’s burdens. It is a precious gift, and I am happy to be a part of this beautiful, cheerful family of Sri Chinmoy’s disciples.

We can find Sri Chinmoy only through the heart. Even with limited receptivity we can feel deep within what he can do for us, even if we are not meant for his path. What he gives is so universal, so all-encompassing and illumining that anybody can profit from it. His music, his books and his paintings are portals for anyone to enter into a world of inner upliftment and fulfilment. An open heart and a searching mind are the only requisites.

I lived in Miami for ten years. It is the longest that I have lived in any one place. I came to Miami as a student, became a disciple of Sri Chinmoy, and stayed on there to work. Lunthita and I also started a centre in Hialeah, a largely Hispanic neighborhood, at Guru’s request.

In the summer of 2001, I had a dream where Guru asked me to come to his house in the evenings to water his plants. Even in my dream I found myself saying, "But Guru, I live in Miami". Guru did not reply.

The dream was so vivid and so unusual that I called New York to see if I could ask Guru about it. Guru was told about the dream and said, "I am very proud of her. She can come to New York if she wants to." I was happy but did not feel that I had to move since Guru had requested Lunthita and me to work on building the Hialeah Centre.

In November of 2001, the president of the company where I was working told me that he wanted to move the office from Miami to New Jersey and that if I wanted to stay with the company I would also need to move. He knew about my spiritual life and said that I should ask Guru. I asked, but for three months there was no reply.

When I returned from the Christmas trip I still did not have an answer. In February my boss told me that I had three weeks to make my decision. I asked Guru again through one of his secretaries, and the answer came back: 'Fine.' My boss wanted me to move immediately, and so in a matter of three weeks, I packed my clothes and some books in my car, loaded the car on the train and moved to New Jersey.

In about three months after coming to New Jersey, my job came to an end. The company was not doing well and had to let me go. And then I crashed my car. I had no easy way to go from New Jersey to New York, but a part of me was really afraid of the big city, so I continued to live in New Jersey and look for jobs there.

Finally, after six months of futile search, it came to me that it did not make sense to stay in New Jersey without a job and a car, when Guru was in New York. So I asked Guru if I could move to Queens.

Coming to New York was not so bad. I still did not have work, but I could spend all my time at Aspiration-Ground (where Sri Chinmoy would meditate with his students) or running errands and being with Guru. It was blissful. Even now I wonder how I survived over a year without any money coming in, but I believe Guru took away all my anxieties. Guru’s poem "My child, do not plan, do not plan. I have everything planned for you..." was my daily inspiration and I strongly felt that the perfect job that I needed was being created for me. I also felt that Sri Chinmoy knew everything and I did not have to outwardly tell him anything.

I had applied for a teaching position to a college in Manhattan that had a couple of openings in my field. The day before the interview I received a call from Guru. This for me was totally unprecedented. Guru told me that he was concerned that I did not have a job and that I should take any job, whatever it might be. I had the opportunity to tell him about the interview the following day. He also inquired very closely about my financial situation. I told him that I would be fine for a few more months. He said that if I did not tell him if I was short of money, then he would sue me in the court of the Supreme 1. Guru’s concern touched me immensely.

The interview went well. The day after the interview I was sitting at Annam Brahma writing a thank-you note to Guru for his concern. As I was writing the note, a call came from the provost of the college making me a formal offer. I had the opportunity to include that in my note.

But the story does not end here. The job offer came in May but college did not start until September. So that summer I used every opportunity that I had to be around Guru. One day after a Saturday morning race, Guru ended with a particularly heart-melting race prayer-song: 

I love my Lord, I love my Lord.
Therefore, I cry and cry.
I need my Lord, I need my Lord.
Therefore, I try and try.

Sri Chinmoy 2

As he was leaving, someone came up and said that Guru wanted me to come to his house. In my sweaty running outfit I went to Guru’s house, embarrassed that I had not had a chance to shower and clean up. Guru gave me an envelope with many small birds inside a big bird. He said, "I had wanted to give you some money but it took me so long. Therefore, I have given you some more".

I was stunned – so stunned that I could not even feel or express gratitude. I always feel that Guru’s needs are so much more – he has to take care of so many other people and things. For me, it is only one person that I have to take care of. I prayed to Guru to give me more gratitude in my life.

In September I started teaching. It was another month before I got my first salary in hand. By then I had really run out of money. If it were not for Guru’s blessing-gift, I would have been in trouble. It is clear that he knew everything...and that he took care of everything.

The lines come back:

My child, My child, do not plan; do not plan! I have already planned everything for you. Just play with me and play for Me. I shall not fail you. I shall not only take you to your destined goal but also give you My Heart of infinite Love and My Eye of infinite Compassion.

Sri Chinmoy 3

• 1. 'Supreme' was Sri Chinmoy's favourite word to refer to God, or the Highest
• 2. Sri Chinmoy, Enthusiasm, part 6, 2004
• 3. Sri Chinmoy, Fifty-four morning prayer-cries and morning meditation-smiles, Agni Press, 1988